


If Only I Knew

by akiirameta



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Chanyeol and Jongin are Roommates, Fluff and Angst, I'm Sorry, Kinda, Luhan and Jongin are Roommates, M/M, Minor Byun Baekhyun/Zhang Yi Xing | Lay, Please Check The Warnings, Sad Ending, Very Very Minor Park Chanyeol / Bae Joohyun, omg they were roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 07:48:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16593788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akiirameta/pseuds/akiirameta
Summary: They say the whole world changes when you meet them, so he keeps on waiting.





	If Only I Knew

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I want to give a **huge** shout-out to Wicia (here's her [twitter](https://twitter.com/soosvitya)), who has helped me so so much with writing this. I really couldn't have done it without her ♥
> 
> Second of all, please read both the **Tags** and the **Archive Warnings**. This isn't exactly a happy fic, and I don't want anyone going into this with the wrong expectations. I can however assure that there is no graphic content, of any sort, in this.
> 
> Enjoy!

In school, the shift had always been treated as something desirable, a rite of passage into adulthood, so people would pretend a lot. They’d act like they suddenly were able to tell the blue of the sky from the green of the grass - when really, it was the same old mess of grey hues. They were told what colors some things were supposed to be - by teachers that couldn't really imagine the black and white anymore.

And so Jongin waits. He waits for the day when suddenly everything makes sense, everything changes, when more than just what’s in front of his eyes becomes bright.

\---

The college campus is huge, he thinks upon arrival there. So many people, so much potential. His dorm room is larger than expected, but Jongin still isn't too enthusiastic about sharing his living space with a stranger. For now, he is alone though, so he throws his bag on top the left bed and starts searching for a power outlet to charge his phone with. The little beep lets him know that it indeed is charging, and he starts looking around the room - empty shelves waiting to be filled with his stuff, two desks with rather uncomfortable looking chairs, and of course the bed belonging to the other guy.

He had just started to unpack his stuff when his roommate arrives, barreling in rather awkwardly. Jongin had always thought of himself as rather tall for a Korean, but the other manages to put his height to shame _._ Chanyeol, as he introduces himself, turns out to be all smiles, big ears, and clumsiness.

Introduction to economics is a class as boring as it sounds. Jongin is battling sleep as his professor drones on about the importance of statistics, just barely managing to keep his eyes open. After almost slamming his head against his desk when his elbow had started slipping, he decides to go find some coffee between classes. He should probably ask someone for their notes, too.

He finds a vending machine, and while he certainly isn’t enthusiastic about the quality of the drink, the caffeine is what he needs to keep him going. Checking his phone, he notices that his mom had sent a text asking how he was doing. Holding the paper cup in his left hand, he opens his messages to type a short reply. Just as he hits send, someone apparently decides that looking where they are going was overrated and promptly smacks the coffee down. Staring down at the puddle on the ground, Jongin can do nothing but sigh. Great.

Jongin throws his backpack down and himself face first onto his bed. As he lets out a groan, he hears Chanyeol chuckle. “Bad day?” he asks, and Jongin turns to face his roommate instead of his unwashed sheets. “More like bad semester. Everything is just so- ugh. I don’t know.”  
Chanyeol swivels his desk chair around and looks at Jongin with a look of confusion on his face.  
“It’s just so much work”, Jongin whines, “when I was in high school, I kind of just got by without actually making an effort and now everything requires so much _work_ . I don’t even know what my professor was talking about in my last ethics lecture.”  
Chanyeol nods and spins the pen he had been holding in his hand. “I know the feeling. It gets overwhelming, but you really just need to try your best. You still have some time until exams start.”  
“But it’s like… breaking a habit.” Jongin complains, and his mind goes back to when he had to force himself to stop chewing up his nails. That had taken practically forever, and when he’s under an especially high amount of stress, it still comes back occasionally.

It’s a few minutes past 1 am when they both can’t stand to look at their coursework anymore, so they start bringing out the snacks and decide that just one episode of the drama they both have been watching can’t really hurt.  
They spend more time joking about how cliché the plot is than actually paying attention, and by the end of the episode, basically everything the other says seems funny.  
Jongin is sitting on his chair with his legs folded up, hands wrapped around his knees. He plays with the sleeve of his hoodie, that really is too big for him, but he enjoys the comfort that it brings.  
He lets out a small sigh and tilts his head to the side as he looks at Chanyeol, who is busy with rather unattractively stuffing chips into his mouth by the handful.

“Hey, hyung?”, Jongin breaks the silence, and Chanyeol answers him with an inquisitive hum.  
“Do you think the dramas tell the truth?”  
“What do you mean?”, Chanyeol retorts, wiping crumbs from his chin.  
“The whole soulmate thing. You know, the shift. I just can’t imagine that whole thing being this dramatic.”  
“Well, you know. For me, it was kind of a big deal, man.”  
“Wait, you have met your soulmate already?” Jongin asks, voice going up higher than he had planned.  
“Yeah, she’s living all the way in Busan, though.”

He lets the conversation drop after that. Sure, he’s happy for his roommate, but he can’t help feeling bitter about pretty much everyone meeting their soulmate before he does.  
It keeps him up that night, and for a short while, he even starts to blame himself, his rationality battling with his feelings and expectations. Jongin was not only still alone, but lonely as well.

“Thank you so much!”, Jongin says as he takes Yixing’s notes for their economy class. The two of them had been quick to become friends, but he supposes that’s normal when you see each other so much, having the same major and a lot of lectures to attend.  
“Ah, no problem. I hope they make sense to you, sometimes I just kind of guessed the Korean words for things.”  
“It’ll be fine”, Jongin assures him, but more than anything else, he just can’t be bothered to ask someone else.

They walk into the lecture hall, and Jongin is sitting down when Yixing turns towards him again.  
“A couple of people are coming over later today, do you wanna join us?”  
“Uh, I’m not sure, wouldn’t it be awkward-“ Jongin starts to answer, but is interrupted.  
“Baekhyun and I will be ordering Pizza for everyone.”  
“When, and where do I have to be?”

When he goes to knock on the apartment’s door, Jongin can already hear the laughter from inside. Maybe deciding to come here wasn’t his smartest choice, seeing as new people usually make him a bit uncomfortable.

Inside, Baekhyun introduces him to the two other people besides Yixing that are occupying the couch, two older students called Junmyeon and Kris. Junmyeon greets him with a warm smile, while all Kris offers him a head nod that probably was meant to look cool, but the effect is somewhat spoiled by him almost spilling his drink just a few seconds later.

The pizza is already there, boxes laid out on the kitchen counter. Following his grumbling stomach, Jongin goes over to the kitchen area to grab a slice. The first box is just cheese pizza, the next one looks like ham, and third one makes him question if whoever ordered these has any taste buds at all. Pineapple on pizza, how dare they.

Having successfully acquired food, Jongin joins the rest of the guys on the couch, slightly squeezed between Junmyeon and the armrest, but the other doesn’t seem to mind. Yixing and Kris have apparently decided to switch their conversation into Mandarin, so that leaves him with Junmyeon and Baekhyun to talk to, the latter currently sharing a recliner with Yixing that really wasn’t made for two people.

They somehow end up talking about spirit animals, and right when Junmyeon keeps insisting that bunnies are totally not lame, Baekhyun lets out a small excited scream before running over to the speaker system next to the TV. Apparently, this song, in contrast to the previous background music Jongin had been more or less ignoring, requires Baekhyun to turn the volume up and sing along.

He’s sure that Baekhyun could be fully capable of sounding rather well, but at the moment, his attempt at hitting those high notes sounds more like a wounded animal than a respectable singer.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, Jongin thinks, but then again, they all hadn’t drank that much yet.  
A few beers later, with all of them back in the conversation, the topics start to get more and more ridiculous. When Yixing brings out the vodka, however, they get really quiet at first, but then, they start to talk about feelings, really getting deep, and it’s weird, because he doesn’t even really know these people.

He grimaces at his drink, the aftertaste of the alcohol making him shudder.    
“Hey Kris, do you still have some juice?” he asks, grinning apologetically for having interrupted what seems like a really animated conversation between Yixing and Kris.  
“You know I do.”, the other responds, however, and throws the carton towards Jongin, who can’t really decide if he should try to catch it or duck, and somehow ends up doing both. The juice falls to the floor, and Jongin is sure he just looked really dumb, but he laughs it off.  
After re-mixing his drink, he looks up again, and for some reason, he can’t help but focus on the way that Baekhyun’s hand is resting on Yixing thigh, and how the latter’s arm is wrapped around Baekhyun’s waist.

 

“I mean. I just want to be happy. Like you guys.” Jongin says, raising his glass so that he can take another sip of his now actually enjoyable drink. At that, he is elbowed in the side by Junmyeon, and when Jongin turns to complain, the look on Junmyeon’s face quickly shuts him up.

Baekhyun clears his throat. “Jongin, you do know that me and Xingy aren’t soulmates, right?”, he asks, his hand still rubbing Yixing’s thigh lightly. At Jongin’s facial expression, he bursts out laughing.  
“But you guys _are_ together, right? Or am I like, really bad at reading people?”  
“No no, we are. We like each other, you know? So why not just have some fun?”

Jongin had never really considered this. Yes, relationships like this weren’t unheard of, but they were rare, and in school it had been obvious that the teachers had seen them as something highly undesirable, maybe even wrong. But when he sees the way Yixing looks at Baekhyun, or how the two of them laugh together, he can’t believe that they had been right.  
The night continues on, and while the others loudly chat about just about everything, Jongin keeps thinking. Maybe finding someone he likes, someone to share his thoughts with and have fun with, is just the thing he needs.

 

Coming back to his dorm room is weird after just having spent two months at his childhood home, like a reminder that his first semester was just the beginning. The room still looks the same, albeit a little more dusty and lacking the pile of unwashed clothes that would inevitably build up rather soon.

He oversleeps on the first day of classes. He actually makes it to the classroom in time, but his hair looks like a mess and his clothes don’t match – ten minutes really aren’t enough to get ready. Checking his schedule, Jongin groans after seeing that he has back to back classes for the next six hours, with no chance to go to his room and fix his appearance. At least the impression he’s leaving is better than the one of the guy barreling into class a whole ten minutes late, panting as he looks for a seat.

 

“Come on, Jongin! You can’t miss out, it’s the Baek to school party!"  
Jongin pulls a grimace at that. “That pun really isn’t as good as Baekhyun thinks it is. Besides, where even is this party? I’m sure the dean wouldn’t be too happy with this.”  
“Oh, Baek rented out a venue, just like a kilometer away from here. I had a look at it already, and it seems perfect.” Yixing explains, beaming his best dimpled smile at Jongin.  
“Wait, what? How the fuck does he have the money to just rent out a venue?!” Jongin asks, his surprise apparent in his raising tone.  
“You’ll have to ask him that.” Yixing responds before turning back to his notes again.

Over the next few days, both Baekhyun and occasionally Yixing keep texting him, asking him if he finally made up his mind, and in the end, it’s more because he wants them to stop than anything else when he agrees to come to the party.

Originally, Jongin had just intended to wear nothing special, just some normal jeans and a black t-shirt, but now he’s just sitting on his bed, slightly annoyed as Chanyeol’s friend Zitao  goes through his closet. He doesn’t really understand the need for him to look good today, after all he isn’t trying to impress anyone. Finally, Tao holds up a pair of black ripped jeans that Jongin hasn’t worn since tenth grade and a plain white t-shirt.  
“So I can’t wear a black shirt because it’s “too simple”, but plain white is completely okay?” he asks, seriously doubting Tao’s sense of fashion, but he still puts the clothes on.

On his way to the address Baekhyun had sent earlier, he occasionally catches his reflection in some windows and he has to admit that he does in fact look quite nice, especially with the way his hair is styled up.

Jongin doesn’t even really like beer, but he doesn’t want to refuse the offer when he’s handed a bottle, so he’s mostly just carrying it around, taking small sips every couple of minutes.  
After saying hi to some people in the living room, he discovers a sliding door to the back yard and promptly goes outside, escaping the stuffy air. A couple is sharing the porch swing, and Jongin quickly looks somewhere else to grant them some privacy, and also because he really doesn’t need to see whatever they’re doing.

Leaning against the house wall, he sees a group of people, with one of them standing off to the side, holding a plastic cup. Jongin decides to go over and recognizes him as ten-minutes-late-guy, but he looks a whole lot different from the sweaty mess that entered their foreign relations class at the start of the week. His hair is coiffed up instead of sticking to his face, and he’s wearing a black button down rather than a university hoodie.

The guy introduces himself as Kyungsoo and they talk about all sorts of things, from which dog they think is cutest to what their siblings are doing. It’s getting late, Jongin realizes, and he should probably get back to his dorm, but somehow, he doesn't want to. He and Kyungsoo are sitting on the ground now, leaning against the house's wall, and Jongin can't stop staring. It's something about his eyes, his smile, his dorky laugh that doesn't allow him to look away.

They find out that while they have a lecture together, Kyungsoo is actually majoring in engineering and is just taking their patent law class as an elective. There go Jongin's hopes of seeing him more often.

With a sigh, Kyungsoo puts his phone down. “I really have to get going, I have this stupid appointment tomorrow.”  
Jongin gets up first, and offers his hand to help him up.  
“Yeah, I should probably go, too. I'm starting to get-” he's interrupted by his own yawn, “tired.” Both of them can't help to laugh at that, making their way back through the crammed inside of the venue to get their belongings.

 

The next morning isn't pleasant for Jongin. He hadn't even drank that much, but his head feels like someone decided to replace his brain with a bag of rocks. He groans as he turn over to his other side, searching for his phone that's lost somewhere between the sheets.  
He finally finds it though, and almost drops it again when he sees his notifications. Most of them are just Baekhyun scolding him for leaving early, but then there also is one that he hadn't expected.

 **_Do Kyungsoo:_ ** _Hi, I hope you're feeling okay. Good morning!_

Jongin lets out a little snort at that, he never saves contacts by their full names, but he had just given his phone over to Kyungsoo yesterday to have him save his number. He texts back, assuring that he’s fine and that he had fun the day before.  
His assignments start to pile up, and more often than not, Jongin finds himself staying up late to write an essay about a topic he only just taught himself by reading about it on wikipedia. Sure, he’s attending his lectures, but it’s not like the professors make it easy for their students to understand the huge amounts of information presented to them.  
It’s no wonder that he doesn’t have much time to socialise, but he’s trying his best.

 

It’s still rather cold outside, so he snuggles his face into his hoodie and shifts on his feet again. The smells from the restaurant aren’t helping his hunger, and he almost starts cursing out Kyungsoo for being late, but he can’t really stay mad when he sees the other approaching, almost getting swallowed up by his puffy winter coat. He looks like an oversized marshmallow, and Jongin can’t stop a smile from spreading on his face.

The noodles he orders are really good, but he’s too busy with staring at the way Kyungsoo’s glasses fog up over the steam of his food, at the way that his lips form a heart every time he smiles, at the way that his eyebrows move when he complains about his math professor.

When he gets home, he walks in on Chanyeol being on the phone, so he puts down his bag and tries not to eavesdrop too much.  
“Alright, see you soon, right?… Yeah… I love you too.” Chanyeol ends his call, and Jongin can make a somewhat sad smile on his face.  
“Your girlfriend?” he asks, and Chanyeol looks up.  
“Nah, your mom.”  
Jongin throws a pillow at him for that, but sadly he misses Chanyeol’s head by a few centimeters.  
“How is she doing?”  
“Your mom? Well she said that you’re still a brat, but-” He stops when Jongin pretends to throw his phone at him and erupts into a fit of laughter.  
“No, but for real, Joohyun is doing well. I just miss her, you know?”  
  
“I can imagine. Kinda.” Jongin replies, not really knowing what to say. Even though Chanyeol sometimes talks about Joohyun, he still doesn’t know that much about her.  
“Anyways, what were you up to? I thought your classes were ending early today?”  
“Yeah, I got some food. With Kyungsoo. It was like, really good.” he explains, a smile finding its way to his face again.  
“So are you two… together or something? Went on a date today?”

“No, not really. It’s- uh…”, he stops talking for a few seconds, “it’s complicated. But he’s so great, you know? I had a great time. I hope he-”  
He’s interrupted by his phone beeping to let him know that there’s a new notification.

 **_Soo:_ ** _Did you get home safely?_

He hears Chanyeol chuckle and looks up from his phone to find out why, but his roommate is just smiling at him.  
“You’re already that whipped, huh?”  
“I-... I don’t know? I just really like him, I guess...” Jongin stammers, feeling the heat rush to his cheeks.  
“So you’re not waiting for the shift anymore? Just going for it?” Chanyeol asks, tilting his head to one side like a curious puppy.

He doesn’t know how to answer that, he had kinda been refusing to give the topic a lot of thought. The way that Kyungsoo can make his heart flutter is scary to him, he knows that he’s getting attached, but really, he doesn’t want to give up whatever is developing between the two of them.

 

“The food critic has spoken, huh?” Kyungsoo teases before softly blowing on his spoon to cool down his potato stew.  
“No I’m just…, I’m just saying that this really doesn’t compare to my mom’s version.” Jongin replies, putting another spoonful in his mouth. It wasn’t _bad_ , but it was just not what he had hoped for.  
“You should make her recipe for me then.” his boyfriend says jokingly, but Jongin thinks that might actually be a good idea. He isn’t the best cook, but really, how hard can it be?

Really hard. It turns out that making Gamjatang is a lot more complicated than he thought, and by the time Kyungsoo steps foot into his dorm’s shared kitchen, his forehead is covered with sweat and he’s frantically texting his mom, asking her how to save the food.

“It’s really not that bad, you know.”  
The way his boyfriend pretends to like his cooking is adorable, but Jongin knows he’s lying. He had accidentally put in way too much salt, and the potatoes had become a mushy mess, so he stops Kyungsoo from further torturing himself and decides to just order them some pizza.

He’s fumbling around with the keys, his travel bag in his other hand, and almost drops them for the second time before successfully opening his mom’s car. He’s grateful that she had lent it to him for the week, but he’s a bit nervous about driving after not doing so for the last couple of months. He and Kyungsoo had been planning this vacation for a long time, looking for the best places online and even determining the best route to take. It’s their first time travelling together, after all, so Jongin is both excited and really, really nervous.  
  
But when he sees the coastline, the sparkle of the ocean, his worries start to fade. Then, Kyungsoo turns up the radio, and he almost feels giddy when the two of them start singing along to a cringy bubblegum song from a few years ago.

The same song ends up being on the playlist he makes for their first anniversary, not really fitting with the smooth R’n’B tracks that he mostly added to hear Kyungsoo sing along to them. His boyfriend’s chocolatey vocals never fail to impress him, and he considers himself incredibly lucky for being able to hear them so often.  
He actually burns the playlist on CD, which is somewhat a lame gift in his opinion, but it’s still levels above the 100 count bag of novelty condoms that their friends get them.

He’s surprised that it had taken them this long, considering how much stress exam seasons brings each time, but that doesn’t help him right now. It’s stupid, really, because they don’t even have an actual reason to argue, at least in his opinion.  
He had already apologized for being late to their last few dates, not that they go out a lot, and he doesn’t really understand the big fuss about his room being a bit untidy - after all, he (and Chanyeol) is living there, not Kyungsoo.

 

Even though he knows that whatever his professor is saying is important, he can’t really find the energy to pay attention, he’s too busy sulking over Kyungsoo low-key ignoring his texts all morning. He thinks that maybe he would be less upset if they had an actual reason to fight, but all of this just seems dumb and petty.  
For the whole day, it’s like there is a big grey rain cloud floating over Jongin’s head, weighing him down. It gets a little bit better when Kyungsoo finally responds to his messages, but he still can’t shake off the weird feeling.

He’s lying in his bed when he starts to contemplate again, when the subconscious knowledge that they aren’t soulmates, aren’t meant for each other, pushes to the foreground. And more than anything else, Jongin is scared. He’s scared because it’s inevitable that they’ll break up one day, when one of them finds the person they truly are meant for. He’s scared because the last two years (well, almost) have been the best ones of his life, and he can’t imagine letting the reason for that go.

 

He feels like the weeks spent at his parents’ house before his final year of university are the calm before the storm, his last chance to really relax before his mind is occupied by assignments, essays and exams again. But also, it’s weird not spending time with his boyfriend, having failed to coordinate a vacation together. Besides, it’s not like the two of them have a lot of money to spend anyways, so they decide that texting and skype calls are also a good option, knowing that they’ll see each other regularly once the semester starts.

Somehow, that doesn’t go as planned, with both of them being ridiculously busy to ensure that they can actually graduate, and Jongin sees a lot less of his boyfriend than he wants. He’s staying up late again, staring at his laptop in frustration, when he decides to text Kyungsoo.  
  
_hey, are u still up??_

 **_Soo ♥:_ ** _Yeah, why?_

_can i come over_

**_Soo ♥:_ ** _Sure_

Jongin spends the rest of the night with him, whining about the dumb project he has to complete, and Kyungsoo patiently listens, running his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair. It’s damaged from the time that Jongin decided that he needs to see himself as a blond, but it’s black again now.  
The twin sized bed is too small, as always, but in Jongin’s mind, that just means more snuggles.

He wakes up to Kyungsoo coming back into the room, coffee in hand, and smiles widely at him. Upon sitting up, he discovers that there also were some bagels for breakfast, and he stands up to press a kiss on Kyungsoo’s lips, even though the latter complains about Jongin’s morning breath. For just a few hours, he’s able to forget about all his academic stress, just watching old movies together and making fun of the hilariously outdated special effects.

 

But with the semester progressing, those moments of genuine happiness become rare for him. It’s not just the stress, he had realized that a while ago, but he still refuses to think about it any further. They had needed to postpone today’s date _again_ , and while he rationally understands, it still hurts.

It hurts not just because he wants to spend more time with his boyfriend, they hadn’t seen each other in over two weeks, but also because he can’t stop himself from thinking about the fact that their relationship really was doomed from the start. It’s not healthy, he realizes, but he feels like there’s nothing he can do.

 

He is working on an essay he should’ve submitted two days ago when he gets distracted by Chanyeol taking off his headphones and turning towards him.  
“So, are you and Kyungsoo still a thing?”, Chanyeol asks, and suddenly Jongin’s voice is coming out small when he answers. “I don’t- I don’t know”, he says, and the look on Chanyeol’s face can only be described as pity.

 

It’s at another of Baekhyun’s parties when he finds himself standing on the small balcony, empty plastic cup loosely in his hand as he stares into the distance. His mind has been drifting for quite some time, and he’s sure that the drinks he already had aren’t helping him be rational. Drunk people tell the truth, they say, but did that also mean that his thoughts were true?

He doesn’t want them to be, wants to blame all of this on being tipsy, but he knows he’s lying to himself. The wetness on his cheeks is upsetting, he doesn’t want to cry, but the frustration is doing nothing but making the tears fall faster. He can hear the loud music from inside the apartment, and someone is rather badly singing along to it, but his mind is too loud for him to really pay attention.  
Jongin realizes that this isn’t fear, this is regret. He’s regretting having let it come this far, to have given himself the opportunity to become this attached.

So, when he hears footsteps approaching, he doesn’t move at first. The arm coming to rest around his shoulder tells him that it must be the main subject of his contemplations. He looks Kyungsoo in the eyes and suddenly can’t hold himself back anymore. He slumps to the ground, plastic cup falling to the ground as he cradles his face in his own hands.

Kyungsoo tries to calm him down, sitting down next to him and stroking his hair, but it only makes Jongin feel guiltier. When he finally feels able to speak, he looks up into Kyungsoo’s worried eyes and almost starts crying anew.

“Soo”, he whispers, and the mentioned takes his hands, strokes the back of them with his thumb as if to tell Jongin that everything is okay. But it isn’t.  
“Soo, I love you”, Jongin chokes out, “I love you so much. But I just- I… I can’t.” He is looking down again, scared that the look on his boyfriend’s face will change his mind again.  
“There is nothing that hurts me more than the thought of you being unhappy. And with me, you will be. Soo, I love you, but we both know that we aren’t meant for each other.” He’s interrupted by his own hiccup before going on, “We have people waiting out there, you have someone waiting who can take better care of you. Who understands you more, who will be able to love you without any second thoughts. You- you deserve someone better than I can ever be for you.”

And just like Kyungsoo lets go of his hands, they let go of each other.

 

Everyone tells him that heartbreak doesn’t fade easily, but when Jongin is lying awake at two in the morning, and the sounds of one of the indie songs he and Kyungsoo put together in a playlist for their first anniversary surrounds him, he doesn’t think this pain will ever go away.

If only things were different, he keeps telling himself. He shouldn’t have given his heart away like this, should have just been patient. He shouldn’t have set himself up for heartbreak, should have been more thoughtful.

\---

The airport is huge, he thinks upon arrival there. So many people, so much potential.  
He had worked on his English for the past few months, but suddenly being surrounded by a mess of sounds and having to translate everything he reads still is overwhelming.  
After getting his suitcase from the baggage claim, Jongin heads towards the taxi stands.

When he’s sitting in the cab, the driver tries to make conversation, but Jongin is too busy staring outside the window, admiring the unfamiliar sights. It had taken a lot for him to be where he is now, and everything still seems a little unreal, especially once he is standing in front of his new apartment building, keys already in his hand after a short meeting with his new landlord.  
He opens the door, and for some reason, his mind drifts back to his first day of college. The apartment is larger, of course, he already knows his roommate and has his own room, but he’s still just as nervous.

A few weeks prior, he had been looking for possible places to live in New York, and quickly realized that there was no way that he could afford an apartment of his own, so he started talking to people looking for a roommate. Many of them had given him creepy vibes, wanted too much money or were just unfriendly. Luhan, however, had seemed nice, and it was the pictures of the apartment setup that finally convinced him completely.

Right now, Jongin was the only one at the apartment, with his new roommate being away at a meeting, so he decides to inspect his surroundings for a bit. The living room is rather spacious, with a nice dark grey couch as the centerpiece and a fluffy carpet in front of it that already looks nicer than all of the furniture in Jongin’s old dorm room.  
His room is full of boxes that had been delivered a few days ago, and Jongin really isn’t looking forward to unpacking all of his stuff and also having to build the furniture he got from Ikea.

He and Luhan don’t see each other much, since they both tend to busy with work, but when they do, they get along surprisingly well. At first, even just talking to each other had been a bit of a challenge, them talking in a mess of Jongin’s less than decent Mandarin, Luhan’s rusty Korean and both of their jumbly English. But they make it work, and Jongin finds himself wholeheartedly enjoying the other’s company.

The two of them tend to be somewhat chaotic, and you’d expect two working adults with college degrees to be able to cook more than just instant ramen, but that doesn’t really matter to them. What matters is that Jongin is able to find comfort in this foreign environment, especially considering how work is treating him.  
It isn’t just the language barrier. Jongin can confidently say that he understands almost everything his coworkers are talking about, at least when it comes to knowing the meaning of the words.  
It’s more about Jongin being hesitant to talk to the people around him, and he knows that he really should be making friends, but most of the time, he is spending his time at work alone, just getting things done.

Sometimes, his mind still drifts to Kyungsoo, to what could have been. He didn’t have the heart to throw out everything that reminds him of Kyungsoo, but he doesn’t open the box, either. It just remains under his bed, sitting there and collecting dust.

 

They had been watching the Chinese drama that Luhan had kept gushing about earlier, with subtitles so that Jongin could understand too, but now they are just sitting around on the couch. He has his feet up on the armrest, a bag of chips on his lap, and is checking his phone to see if there is anything new. There isn’t, but he’s browsing Instagram anyways.

“Jongin, we probably both need to sleep”, he hears Luhan say, but Jongin only answers with a hum and doesn’t move. He can vaguely feel the bag of chips being lifted off of him before he puts his phone down on the small coffee table to his right.

 

Jongin wakes up slightly confused, his dream had been unsettling, though he can’t really remember what it had been about. All he knows is that it was the alarm on his phone that had woken him up, and that he’s still on the couch, so he rolls to his side to shut off the beeping that he had grown to hate. His neck hurts, and he tries to massage the sore muscles as he goes into his bedroom to grab some clean clothes for the day.

As he exits the bathroom, he heads to his kitchen to prepare some breakfast. If he’s honest with himself, he already knows that he can’t be bothered to make anything more than a bowl of cereal. And that’s what he does, grabbing a bowl, the box of cornflakes, and the soy milk from the fridge.  
With his breakfast assembled, he heads towards his couch and plops down on it, milk almost spilling over. Grabbing the remote, he turns his TV on to watch the news, a habit he had been trying to establish lately so that he can actually know what his coworkers are talking about during lunch.

As the reporter talks about a recent meeting of international politicians, Jongin notices that something’s off. The pictures he sees on the screen seem weird, and he can’t put his finger on what is wrong, so he takes the remote again to check the settings. They haven’t changed, but he presses the button to choose the factory settings anyway. That doesn’t change anything either, and he rubs his eyes, thinking that it might be just him still being hazy from sleep.  
Then his eyes drift, and everything seems wrong. The wood of his shelves, the cover of the book he had forgotten on the coffee table, and finally the fruit he keeps on display. They definitely look different, and for some time, Jongin isn’t able to move, can’t sort out his thoughts.

It’s the shift, he realizes, the very thing that he had been obsessed with just a few years ago. His heart starts beating fast, but then he realizes – who was supposed to have caused this? He hasn’t even left his apartment yet. For a minute, he thinks it might’ve been the reporter on TV, but a quick google search confirms that she is happily married. Then for a terrifying second, he thinks it might be Luhan, but the he remembers that his roommate already has a soulmate, and that they also have been living together for months – if there was anything connecting the two, he would know by now.

He looks around again, and while there is no real way for him to know, the colors don’t seem more vibrant like the teachers had told him. There isn’t a sense of wonders as greens and blues start to differentiate, as the pink of the other person’s lips becomes the most beautiful thing of his life. It isn’t like that all, and if anything, everything seems duller and when he looks outside, he somehow can’t make out the difference between the colors of the lawn and the sky anymore.

He already has Google open on his phone, so he decides to look up non-soulmate related reason for vision changes, and almost convinces himself that this must be the sign of some sort of terrible illness before going back to look at another site. There, he finds something he had probably learned in school, too, but had forgotten completely. _In some cases, vision may revert back to grayscale if the person’s soulmate passes._

Jongin isn’t sure what sounds more terrifying to him, having a serious illness or never even getting to know his soulmate before they have died.  
In his panicked state, it doesn’t even register at first that this all meant that he had met his soulmate before, that he had already known what the colors of the rainbow look like. Perhaps he hadn’t noticed when things had changed, maybe he had been too busy to pay attention.

His second alarm on his phone takes him out of his trance, reminding him to get ready for work.

 

Jongin tries to forget about it, but he can’t. He has endless scenarios running through his head, trying to explain what had happened. But there is just no way for him to know, and he’s growing increasingly frustrated. His lack of concentration starts to show in his work, and so it’s not exactly a surprise when his supervisor asks him to come to her office for a “private chat”.

His coworkers look at him curiously as he exits her office and returns to his desk, but he decides to just ignore them. He turns his monitor back on and clicks on the icon to start Excel. As he waits for the program to open on the slightly outdated computer, he decides to check his phone. The first thing he notices is that he’s at 23% battery. Great, the commute to his apartment will just be wonderful later without being able to drown his surrounding out by wearing headphones.

But then, he actually takes a look at his notifications, and he has five missed calls from Chanyeol. Sure, the two of them would occasionally text, but this is really weird, so Jongin makes a mental note to call his former roommate once he gets out of work. Then, he makes an actual note on paper, because he knows himself and really doesn’t want to forget this.  
It feels like seconds last hours, but when he finally takes the step outside the ugly concrete high-rise, Jongin already has his phone in his hand, low battery warning flashing at him.  
As he pulls up his contacts, he internally groans about the cost of making an international call. But if Chanyeol had already tried to reach him five times, this must be important, so he hits dial anyway.

“Hello?”, a muffled voice greets him, sounding slightly hoarse, and Jongin realizes that it’s early morning in Korea right now.  
“Yeol? You tried calling me?”, Jongin asks, concern showing in his voice.  
“Oh.”, he gets as a reply, and the pause that follows is seriously worrying him.  
“I..-I have something to tell you.”

Jongin’s phone hits the ground once he gets the news. He suddenly feels like he can’t breathe anymore, his head is suddenly feeling really light, and it’s like his tongue is made out of cotton. His legs give out from underneath him, and he feels tears starting to form in his eyes. He can hear vague yelling from his phone, but he isn’t paying attention.  
This is all too much, and he tries to tell himself that this isn’t real, that he is asleep and it’s just a nightmare, but Jongin knows that he’s lying to himself.

 

He shouldn’t need to be at the airport again so soon after arriving in America, yet here he is. Passport and boarding pass in his hands, he walks over to the gate that had been displayed at the big screen once he got through security. He buys a small and horribly overpriced water bottle before sitting down on the rather uncomfortable plastic seat. He takes his phone out, already connected to his portable battery, and checks his texts. One is from Luhan, reminding him to take care of himself, and one is from Chanyeol, asking when he’ll be arriving at Incheon.

It’s a quiet car ride to Chanyeol’s apartment. They try to catch up at first, but the conversation dies down quickly. Somehow, Jongin is glad about this. He knows that they can’t avoid the topic of why he’s back in Korea forever, but he’s glad for any minute not talking about it. He feels selfish, because he’s sure that Chanyeol is hurting too, but he just can’t bring himself to talk.

They arrive at the apartment, and Jongin must admit that it’s really nice. The couch he gets to sleep on for the next week seems comfy, and he’s incredibly grateful that Chanyeol offered it so readily so that he didn’t have to go through the hassle of finding a hotel.  
It feels weird, the two of them sharing a living space again after being roommates for so many years, but Jongin decides not to dwell on that.

 

When he arrives at the hall, it feels like he’s asleep.

An older woman is shaking as she takes a few steps towards the middle of the room, tissue clutched firmly in her hand. She introduces herself as Kyungsoo’s mom, and immediately, Jongin’s heart starts to hurt for her.

“Kyungsoo, he was so strong”, she says, taking a break to wipe some tears from her face.  
“Even though his health gave him so much trouble, it would be such a fight to get him to accept help. Even when things got really bad, it was pity that he would hate the most. Even when his medication made him lose the ability to see colors, he just told me that he only wears black anyway.” A few chuckles interrupt the silence before she continues. “I would do everything in the world to have my baby back, but all we can do is believe that he doesn’t feel pain anymore.”

It’s a punch in the face for Jongin. He doesn’t understand how Kyungsoo kept his illness a secret, or more importantly, why he did.

 

Just as his conversation with Baekhyun comes to an end, Jongin sees someone approaching him. It’s an older woman, wearing all black like everyone else, sobbing into a crumpled-up tissue.

“Kim Jongin, right?” she asks, voice still choked from crying.  
“Uh, yes. That’s me.” He replies, searching his pockets for a tissue he could offer the woman, who he recognizes as Kyungsoo’s mother. His heart is hurting like hell, but he can’t even imagine the amount of pain she must be in.  
“I just… I saw you in the crowd and I remembered how you and my Soo used to play together. He was so _small_ , and he used to smile so much when you guys were together. He…, he would always ask about you, wanted to see _‘Nini’_ again, even though it had just been a day, and the look in his eyes…” she chokes on her own words and lets out a small noise before taking the tissue that Jongin had found in the inside pocket of his suit jacket. “You… you probably don’t even remember, you were so young…” she says, clutching to his arm.

And she is right. He doesn’t remember.

At first, it is too much to comprehend. He simply can’t wrap his mind around what all of this means. But when he leaves the venue, and his gaze falls upon some flower arrangement that is supposed to be as bright as the colors of the box of crayons he and Kyungsoo probably shared as kids, he can’t stop the tears from falling.

 

His flight for New York doesn’t leave until two days later, but somehow, those two days seem like two hours at most. He isn’t able to focus on anything, just staying on the couch. He thinks that he had some surface level conversations with Chanyeol, but he isn’t sure. He expected to feel pain, but he can’t even seem to feel that.  
He’s on the plane when reality hits him like a tidal wave. He’s just sitting there, pressed against the wall next to the window, looking out at the dark sky, when he realizes. Gone. Kyungsoo was gone.

 

When he gets back to the apartment, Luhan greets him with a sympathetic smile. They don’t talk, and Jongin is grateful for that. He doesn’t even unpack for almost a week, living out of his suitcase.

At work, his coworker asks him how his vacation went. He hadn’t told them when he left. “Pretty good.”, he answers, and goes back to his desk as soon as he can. Talking about everything is still something he can’t even imagine.

 

Time feels like it isn’t real. It had just been a week, now it’s suddenly a month, then two, and Jongin still finds himself looking for rainbows amongst the grey clouds.

 _If only I knew_ , he keeps telling himself. He would’ve done things differently, would have taken the chance that slipped right through his fingers.

All this time, he had been waiting for things to change. Now they are different, but not like anything he had ever wanted.

 _If only I knew_ , he cries out. He would’ve loved with his whole heart, would have never let him go.

All this time, he had worried about nothing. After trying to blame others, refusing to accept this reality, he finds that there is no way out.

**_If only I knew._ **

**Author's Note:**

> I want to say thank you to everyone that has supported me while I was writing this, listened to me complain and helped figure out the plot, you are awesome!
> 
> I hope you liked this attempt at creating something a little bit darker, and don't want to murder me now.  
> Please let me know what you think in the comments, I'd be really grateful!  
> And if you want to yell at me some more, you can also find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mmallow_squishy).
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, take care y'all! -Ari


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